Thursday, March 9, 2017

haunted history

IS THE ALAMO THE MOST HAUNTED PLACE IN THE WEST?

We have all heard the tragic

We have all heard the tragic story of the early morning of march 6, 1836; how the brave defenders fought to the last man and inspired the world.

And since the battle there have been many stories of ghostly encounters in and around the old mission, stories which are attributed to the heros; but possibly the Alamo was a haunted place before those men died there.

https://youtu.be/ohD1zRPnQt8
https://youtu.be/V9W5oasVygw
https://youtu.be/dP-vPltmvDs
https://youtu.be/DlpsplkQRd0
https://youtu.be/IJMGK7RQ87U
http://amzn.to/2nnpTtK
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https://youtu.be/K9eo26wKz8s

The Alamo was never intended to be a fort; that was not the purpose of the builders instead it was intended to shelter the priests who operated the mission and any local natives who accepted the civilizing influence of the church. The Mission San Antonio de Valero, named for St. Anthony of Padua, on the banks of the San Antonio River around 1718. because of the constant threat of attacks by Comanche and Apache war parties; They also established the nearby military garrison of San Antonio de Béxar, which soon became the center of a settlement known as San Fernando de Béxar (later renamed San Antonio). The Mission San Antonio de Valero housed missionaries and their Native American converts for some 70 years until 1793.

What remains today is very little of the actual fort; but looking at old diagrams one can see how the situation probably changed the structure and inhibited it`s intended purpose. One would think that the stables or the blacksmith would be outbuildings but what one finds is one wall of the “fort” (long vanished) is a long row of adobe shacks with the spaces between filled with earth and rocks, and walls were placed to provide some protection at either end. This coupled with the fact that the chapel roof was never completed until fairly modern times, long after the battle would lead one to surmise that the early residents of Bexar may have had a stressful exsistence. Image result for alamo map

That people were killed violently on the site before the Texas Revolution is certainly easy to assume. The actual fort was quite large and rumors have circulated that the courtyard was a graveyard; probably because it was safer to dig inside of the walls than out at times. And not only violent deaths but others as well; accidents, sickness childbirth, and if there was no time to bury outside the courtyard would hold them. Or the spaces between the shacks? Some estimate that possibly a thousand people all told have died on the grounds of the Alamo-before the famous battle.

It is often claimed that places where violence has occurred retain some element of the events, the ghosts if you will. I would think that if one wanted to learn to believe in ghosts, the Alamo would be the church to attend

see more at:
https://talesofthetwoheadedman.wordpress.com/2017/09/03/haunted-history/

PT5

DUMB OLD RAY

…WORKED AT THE O.K. GAS STATION AND BEER CAVE.
https://youtu.be/o9w3kak-I1w
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DUMB OLD RAY WAS NOT A FRIENDLY GUY AT ALL (IN FACT HE SEEMED DEEPLY TROUBLED FOR SOME REASON) AND HE MADE MOST OF THE CUSTOMERS WHO CAME INTO THE O.K. GAS STATION AND BEER CAVE NERVOUS WHILE THEY SHOPPED FOR THEIR BEER AND CIGGERETTS.

MOST OF THE CUSTOMERS AT THE O.K. GAS STATION AND BEER CAVE BELIVED WITH ALL OF THEIR HEARTS THAT DUMB OLD RAY WAS AS CRAZY AS A SHIT-HOUSE RAT.

https://youtu.be/WDpipB4yehk

WHICH MIGHT HAVE BEEN TRUE.

THERE WAS ONE NIGHT, A YEAR OR SO BEFORE THE BEGINING OF THE STORY, THAT DUMB OLD RAY SHOT AN ARMED ROBBER FULL OF HOLES, THEN WENT RIGHT BACK TO MAKING ICE BAGS UNTIL THE OAKDALE POLICE ARRIVED.

REST IN PEACE.

DUMB-ASS.

PETE JENSEN, THE OWNER OF THE O.K. GAS STATION AND BEER CAVE, LIKED HAVING DUMB OLD RAY ON THE EVENING SHIFT.

SHOPLIFTING WAS WAY DOWN, TROUBLEMAKERS STAYED AWAY, AND NOBODY EVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT PULLING A GAS AND GO WHEN DUMB OLD RAY WAS IN CHARGE.

WHEN HE FIRST CAME TO TOWN, DUMB OLD RAY WAS A HOBO WITH A SECRET PAST.

DUMB OLD RAY JUST HAPPENED TO CROSS PATHS WITH FAT TED, WHEN FAT TED WAS FEELING RATHER GREGARIOUS AND GENEROUS.

FAT TED SOLD DUMB OLD RAY A TAXI-CAB BUISNESS ON A KIND OF “FRONT YOU” KIND OF DEAL WHERE HE, FAT TED, COULD ALWAYS REPOSSESS IF THE TAXI-CAB BUISNESS DID NOT GET PAID FOR.

IT WAS ALL KIND OF A JOKE TO FAT TED (PLUS AN INSULT TO A SERIOUS INVESTOR) SELLING A GOING CONCERN TO A HOBO.

DUMB OLD RAY DEDICATED HIMSELF TO MAKING HIS TAXI-CAB BUSINESS WORK, AND WORK IT DID.

DUMB OLD RAY PAID OFF ALL TWENTY-SIX TAXI-CABS IN ONLY SIX WEEKS, AND AFTER THAT DUMB OLD RAY BECAME A RITCH YUPPY FUCK.

ALWAYS AT WORK.

ALWAYS TALKING ON A CELL PHONE.

ALWAYS IN A HURRY.

THEN STARBUCKS OPENED WHAT WAS TO BECOME, WITHOUT A DOUBT, IT`S MOST FAMOUS AND POPULAR LOCATION, AT THIRD AND OAK IN OAKDALE.

AS THERE WERE NO TRAINED BARISTTAS IN OAKDALE, STARBUCKS TRANSFERRED IN BARISTTAS FROM SEATTLE TO HELP GET THINGS ROLLING SMOOTHLY.

STARBUCKS IS WHERE DUMB OLD RAY MET SUSAN THE COFFEE GIRL.

DUMB OLD RAY AND SUSAN THE COFFEE GIRL BECAME INSTANT “BEST FRIENDS”, THAT FRIENDSHIP QUICKLY FANNED INTO FLAME, AND FROM THERE INTO A VERY HOT FIRE INDEED.

SUCH IS THE WAY WHEN TRUE-HEARTS FIND ONE ANOTHER.

DUMB OLD RAY BOUGHT A CORPORATE JET SO THAT HE AND SUSAN THE COFFE GIRL COULD FLY OFF TO EXOTIC PLACES EVERY EVENING AFTER THEY HAD GOTTEN OFF WORK.

DUMB OLD RAY AND SUSAN THE COFFEE GIRL WERE AMONG THE FIRST TO DISCOVER VENESUELA AS A TOURIST DESTINATION.

NO-BODY WOULD BELIVE THAT THEY HAD ACTUALLY BEEN INSIDE OF THE ZETA-RETICULIAN EMBASSY IN MARICABO.

ONE NIGHT, WHILE OUR LOVE-BIRDS WERE VISITING IN SEATLE, SUSAN THE COFFEE GIRL WAS RUN OVER BY AN AMBULANCE (WHICH WAS ON IT`S WAY TO A REPORTED MAGIC PIXIE DUST OVERDOSE IN AN ALLEY-A JANE DOE), AND WAS (APPARENTLY PERMANTLY) IN A VERY DEEP COMA.

DUMB OLD RAY WAS DEVASTATED

https://youtu.be/KJZLcsAmLbM

HE LAID OFF ALL OF HIS EMPLOYEES, INCLUDING HIS PILOT; PHIL; AND TOOK TO DRINKING HEAVILY.

TO FORGET.

MOSTLY, HE WAS QUITE SUCCESSFUL IN FORGETTING SUSAN, THE TAXI-CAB BUISNESS, AND HIS CORPORATE JET ALL FUELED UP AND READY OUT AT THE OAKDALE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT (WHICH HAS THE ONLY FIFTY-THOUSAND FOOT RUNWAY IN THE REGION).

ON THE EVENING FOLLOWING THE NATIONAL ATHLETE`S FOOT DAY MASSACRE, A HOBO CAME INTO THE O.K. GAS STATION AND BEER CAVE, FLASHED O.I.A. CREDENTIALS AT HIM, AND DUMB OLD RAY FOUND HIMSELF HANDCUFFED AND WHISKED OFF TO A WAITING BLACK WHILEY-BIRD.

THE OAKDALE INTELIGENCE AGENCY HEADQUARTERS WERE LOCATED IN THE BASEMENT OF THE PARKING STRUCTURE AT THIRD AND OAK.

THIS IS WHERE I AND MOST LOWER LEVEL O.I.A. AGENTS WORKED.

OF COURSE CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES MAINTAINED A SAFE-HOUSE SEVERAL DOORS SOUTH ON THIRD STREET, AND THIS WAS WHERE THEY TOOK DUMB OLD RAY.

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES WANTED DUMB OLD RAY TO COME TO WORK FOR THE O.I.A. AS HE KNEW SOMETHING ABOUT DUMB OLD RAY`S SECRET PAST WHICH COULD BE USEFUL.

AFTER INTENSIVE INTEROGATION, DUMB OLD RAY`S SHOES AND SOCKS WERE REMOVED, AND A LAB TECHNITION SCRAPED A FUNGUS OFF OF HIS FEET.

THIS FUNGUS WAS WHAT CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES USED TO INFECT THE SHIPMENT OF OSTRICH SHIT.

AFTERWARD, DUMB OLD RAY WAS PLACED INTO A WINDOWLESS CELL, ON SUSPICIAN OF.

OR SOMETHING.

PETE JENSEN, OWNER OF THE O.K. GAS STATION AND BEER CAVE, FILED A MISSING PERSONS REPORT BUT NOTHING MUCH EVER CAME OF IT.

OFFICER MIKE DUGAN OF THE OAKDALE POLICE DEPARTMENT WAS OF THE OPINION THAT DUMB OLD RAY HAD FALLEN OFF OF THE WAGON AND HOPPED A FREIGHT.

STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.

SUSAN THE COFFEE GIRL WAS IN A COMA.

DUMB OLD RAY WAS IN A WINDOWLESS CELL IN AN O.I.A. SAFE-HOUSE.

THE OAKDALE POLICE WERE MYSTIFIED.

THE OAKDALE BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION HAS TWENTY-THREE GALLONS OF EXPLODED ZETA-RETICULIAN, SOME SALT, AND NO CLUES IN AN ABANDONED THIMBLE WHAREHOUSE.

THE OAKDALE INTELLIGENCE AGENCY WAS PULLING ALL OF THE STRINGS.

READ ON…

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

pt4

THE “B” FILES

…ARE THE SECRET DOCUMENTATION OF EVERY NEFARIOUS ACTIVITY IN WHICH THE OAKDALE INTELLIGENCE AGENCY HAS BEEN INVOLVED.

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES WAS THE HEAD OF THE OAKDALE INTELLIGENCE AGENCY.

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES WAS JUST SOOO COOL, LIKE OAKDALES` VERSION OF JAMES BOND.

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES LIKED TO SIT STAGESIDE AT THE BIG OAK STRIP JOINT AND SIP LEMON-LIME SODAS, (SHAKEN NOT STIRRED).

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES HAD BY THIS TIME, EXPERTLY MANUEVERED HIMSELF INTO HIS CURRANT POSITION BY USING THE CORRUPT POLICIES OF VARIOUS CITY OFFICIALS AGAINST THEM.

HE HAD USED HIS POWER AS HEAD OF THE OAKDALE INTELIGENCE AGENCY TO GATHER DIRT ON HIS ENEMIES, AND HAD IN FACT WEEDLED EXPANDED POWERS FOR THE O.I.B. TO MEDDLE IN THE AFFAIRS OF THE GOOD PEOPLE OF FAKE RIVER COUNTY.

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES, HAD THE DIRT ON GLORIA JENSEN, AND HAD FORCED HER TO SIGN A NUMBER OF EXECUTIVE

ORDERS.

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES NOW HAD A LICENCE TO KILL, AND THE OAKDALE INTELLIGENCE AGENCY HAD A REALLY BIG BUDGET TO SPEND ON ALL KINDS OF REALLY COOL SPY STUFF. (AS I WAS AN EMPLOYEE OF THE O.I.A., I GOT A PREATY GOOD RAISE).

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES HAD A REALLY COOL SECRET CODE NAME.

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES COOL SECRET CODE NAME WAS “AGENT B”

COOL HUH?

DONT TELL ANYBODY.

IT`S A SECRET.

ANOTHER SECRET IS THAT CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES PUSHED THAT YORKSHIRE TERRIER OUT IN FRONT OF SYLVESTER LAROUCH THE FORTH`S POLICE CRUISER.

IT WAS ALL PART OF A SPECIAL OPERATION, A HIT, PART OF THE CORRUPT WAY THAT THINGS GOT DONE IN OAKDALE IN THOSE DAYS.

EVEN TODAY, I CANT SAY MUCH ABOUT THAT BUISNESS, BUT I WILL SAY THAT IT HAD STRONG CONNECTIONS TO THE DOGCATCHER SCANDLE.

THE DOGCATCHER SCANDLE PUT IT`S STINK ONTO ALMOST EVERYONE INVOLVED IN CITY BUISNESS, FORCING MANY OF THOSE SAME PEOPLE TO STAY IN POLITICS JUST TO COVER THEIR OWN ASSES PERMANATLY.

GLORIA JENSEN HAD BECOME CONCERNED OVER REPORTS OF LATE NIGHT MANURE SHIPMENTS INTO TOWN.

SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT THE MANURE WAS NOT BEING USED FOR FERTILISER AT ALL, BUT THAT IT WAS BEING USED FOR SOME MORE NEFARIOUS PURPOSE.

THE MANURE ENFORCEMENT AGENCY WAS NO HELP AT ALL.

THE MANURE ENFORCEMENT AGENCY ONLY ENFORCED THE LAWS CONCERNING THE PROPER DISPOSALE OF, NOT THE TRANSPORTATION AND SALE OF MANURE AND OR MANURE RELATED PRODUCTS.

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES HAD A LOT OF PRESSURE ON TO “PRODUCE”, AND HE HAD BEEN WORKING VERY HARD ON THIS CASE FOR DAYS.

HE HOPED TO WRAP IT UP SOON, AS HE HAD BEEN DISQUISED AS A HOBO FOR DAYS.

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES MABE GOT A LITTLE SLOPPY AS HE WAS IN A HURRY TO GO HOME AND GET CLEANED UP SO THAT HE COULD GO FEEL UP HIS GIRLFRIEND; LANA JEAN MOORE.

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES HAD ORDERS TO FIND ANY MANURE SMUGGLING OPERATION, AND DESTROY SAME WITH EXTREME PREDUDICE.

WITH CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES YOU COULD BE SURE THERE WOULD BE A LITTLE MALICE MIXED IN TOO.

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES GOT IMPATIENT, AND THIS IMPATIENCE CAUSED HIM TO BE WAY OFF HIS GAME WHEN THE NATIONAL ATHLETE`S FOOT DAY MASSACRE WENT DOWN.

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES ARRIVED AT THE OLD THIMBLE WHAREHOUSE JUST AS THE OAKDALE BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS WAS SEALING OFF THE CRIME SCENE WITH THAT GOOFY YELLOW TAPE THAT THEY USE AT CRIME SCENES AND CAR WRECKS.

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES KNEW, AND BELIVED WITH ALL OF HIS HEART THAT FAT TED AND THE ZETA-RETICULIANS WERE HAVING A GANGSTER WAR OVER THE OSTRICH SHIT TERRITORY, AND HE SAW A WAY TO PLAY THE SITUATION.

CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES STOLE A LOAD OF OSTRICH SHIT, AND HE HAD HIS LAB TECHNITIONS INFECT IT WITH A FUNGUS WHICH CAUSED IT TO GO RANCID BEFORE ARRIVING ON ZETA-RETICULIA.

WHICH OF COURCE, THE ZETA-RETICULIANS BLAMED ON FAT TED.

READ ON…

mayhem men

PT3

MAYHEM MEN

…WAS THE NAME OF THE LOCAL MOTERCYCLE “CLUB”.

OAKDALE WAS THE INTERNATIONAL HEADQUARTERS FOR THE MAYHEM MEN MOTERCYCLE “CLUB”.

THERE WERE SIXTEEN OTHER MEMBERS OF THE MAYHEM MEN MOTERCYCLE” CLUB”.

THERE WERE TWO IN ICELAND.

THERE WERE SIX, IN FIVE DIFFERENT CHAPTERS ON TERRA DEL FUEGO.

THERE WAS ONE ON PITCAIRN ISLAND.

AND THERE WAS MELVIN LAROUC H.

MELVIN LAROUCH WAS THE PRESIDENT AND FOUNDING FATHER OF THE MAYHEM MEN MOTERCYCLE “CLUB”, AND WAS UNDER INVESTIGATION BY THE OAKDALE POLICE ANTI-GANG UNIT.

MELVIN LAROUCH WAS THE SON OF OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK.

MELVIN LAROUCH WAS MUCH DIRTIER THAN OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK, BUT WITH MELVIN IT WAS ALL PART OF THE EVIL BIKER IMAGE.

EVERYONE ELSE WHO RODE MOTERCYCLES AROUND OAKDALE, RODE NICE, QUIET, NON-THREATNING JAPANESE MOTERCYCLES.

NOT MELVEN LAROUCH.

YOU COULD HEAR MELVIN LAROUCH COMING FOR TWO MILES, VAROOMVAROOMPOPOPOPOPOPOBANGPOW.

TOTAL IMAGE, A BIG DIRTY EVIL LOOKING HOODLEM RIDING ON A BIG SHINEY HARLEY-DAVIDSON CHOPPER

ALL OF THE CHURCH LADIES HATED MELVIN LAROUCH, AND GOSSIPED ABOUT HIM AT THEIR BRIDGE CLUBS.

https://youtu.be/zGn_od9owp8

MELVIN LAROUCH LIVED IN A SHED IN THE ALLEY BEHIND COYOTE`S BAR AND GRILL.

THE SHED WAS FURNISHED WITH A MATTRESS, A CHAIR, AND A PILE OF EMTY BEER BOTTLES.

MELVIN LAROUCH HAD A SECRET GIRLFRIEND WHO CAME TO SEE HIM LATE AT NIGHT WHEN NOBODY WAS LOOKING.

MELVIN LAROUCH`S SECRET GIRLFRIEND WAS GLORIA JENSEN, MAYOR OF OAKDALE.

BY DAY, GLORIA JENSEN WAS A SMILING, RESERVED CHURCH LADY WHO HAD BEEN ELECTED MAYOR, AND RE-ELECTED FIVE MORE TIMES BY USING NICE CHURCH LADY SLOGANS SUCH AS; OAKDALE, SMILE FOR A MILE;, OR SPEARHEADING HER “PLANT AN OAK FOR OAKDALE” INITITIVE.

BY NIGHT, WELL, GLORIA JENSEN BECAME “MADAM LEATHER” INSIDE OF MELVIN LAROUCH`S SHED IN THE ALLEY BEHIND COYOTE`S BAR AND GRILL.

WITH THE CURTAINS DRAWN.

GLORIA JENSEN CALLED THIS “STRESS RELIEF”.

MELVIN LAROUCH CALLED IT “SOMETHING ELSE, WOW”.

https://youtu.be/J1cDECkN2xg

THE OAKDALE POLICE ANTI-GANG UNIT HAD SURVEILANCE PHOTOS OF “MADAM LEATHER” AT MELVIN LAROUCH`S SHED.

THE HEAD OF THE OAKDALE POLICE ANTI-GANG UNIT WAS DICK O`NEIL.

DICK O`NEIL PLANNED TO USE THE PHOTOGRAGHS TO BLACKMAIL GLORIA JENSEN INTO APPOINTING HIM CHEIF OF POLICE.

BUT OAKDALE IS A VERY CORRUPT PLACE, AND UNFORTANATLY DICK O`NEIL DIDNT HAVE THE PROPER CONNECTIONS IN THIS MATTER, MEANING THAT THAT THERE WERE SEVERAL PARTIES WHO WERE OFFENDED BY DICK O`NEIL`S ATTEMPT TO MOVE IN ON THEIR SET-UP, AND SO DICK O`NEIL DISSAPERRED.

THE PERSON WHO WOUND UP WITH THE PICTURES WAS TIMMIE BINGHAM.

TIMMIE BINGHAM WAS A RESPECTED POLICE DETECTIVE, WITH A WIFE AND THREE BEUTIFUL DAUGHTERS.

AND A SECRET BOYFRIEND WHO WAS BLACKMAILING HIM.

TIMMIE BINGHAM, QUIETLY WENT TO SEE THE HEAD OF THE OAKDALE INTELIGENCE AGENCY, OFFERING THE PHOTOGRAGHS AS CURRANCY.

FAIRY PHIL WORKED AT THE LITTLE SILVER DICK FISH CANNERY SLIMING THE LITTLE BITTY STURGEON WHICH LIVE IN THE LAKE.

FAIRY PHIL REALLY WANTED TO BE A BUTLER AND WEAR SILK SUITS AND WHITE GLOVES.

BUT NOBODY IN OAKDALE REALLY NEEDED DOMESTIC HELP, AND SO FAIRY PHIL SPENT HIS DAYS SLIMING THE PEE-WEES AND DREAMING OF SILK SUITS WHITE GLOVES AND CRUMPETS.

THERE WAS A MEXICAN GIRL NAMED TINA WHO WORKED ACROSS THE CONVEYOR BELT FROM FAIRY PHIL.

TINA THOUGHT THAT FAIRY PHIL WAS CUTE AND DIDNT UNDERSTAND THAT FAIRY PHIL WAS “LA PUTA”, AND SO BECAME SOMEWHAT ANNOYED WITH “ESTUPIDOS GINGO”.

TINY WANTED TO MARRY AN AMERICAN SO AS TO STAY IN “LOS UNITOS ESTATOS.

ONE NIGHT TINA THE MEXICAN GIRL GOT VERY DRUNK AT COYOTE`S BAR AND GRILL.

AND THAT IS HOW TINA THE MEXICAN GIRL BECAME MRS.MELVIN LAROUCH AND THE MOTHER OF OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK JR.

MUCHO GRANDE, MUCHO MACHO.

VARROOM!!!!!!!

MELVIN LAROUCH HAD A BROTHER, SIDNEY LAROUCH.

MELVIN AND SIDNEY LAROUCH.

MELVIN AND SIDNEY LAROUCH WERE AS DIFFERENT AS TWO BROTHERS COULD BE.

SIDNEY LAROUCH GOT ALL STRAIGHT “A”S IN SCHOOL, WAS A FINE ATHLETE, WENT TO CHURCH REGULARLY, AND EVENTUALLY WENT TO ANNAPOLOUS.

SIDNEY LAROUCH SERVED IN THE MARINE CORPS AS AN F-18 FIGHTER PIOLOT,AND WAS KNOWN BY THE CALL SIGN “BUTCH” IN THE SQUADRON WHICH HE COMMANDED.

ABOUT THE TIME THAT FAT TED GOT INVOLVED IN THE SHIT SMUGGLING BUISNESS, SIDNEY LAROUCH RETIRED FROM THE MARINE CORPS IN ORDER TO TAKE CARE OF HIS FATHER, OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK.

ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER, AND A COUPLE OF WEEKS AFTER EVERYBODY LEFT FOR VENSUELA, MELVIN LAROUCH KICKED SIDNEY LAROUCH`S ASS.

MELVIN LAROUCH, GROWING UP, WAS ABOUT AS BAD AS HE COULD BE.

HE SKIPPED SCHOOL REGULARLY.

HE STOLE FROM THE OFFERING PLATE AT CHURCH.

HE BEAT UP THE SCHOOL PRICIPLE`S SONS, ONE RIGHT AFTER THE OTHER.

HE EVEN BLEW UP THE SWING SET AT THE JESSICA NELSON MEMORIAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

WHEN HE WAS A BOY, MELVIN LAROUCH HAD SEEN THE MOVIE “REBEL AGAIST EVERYTHING” ONE SATERDAY AFTERNOON ON TELEVISION, AND EVER SINCE HAD TRIED TO EMULATE THE MOVIES` MAIN CHARACTER; CHESTER DUNEGAN

BUT AT THE END OF THE MOVIE, THE POLICE SHOOT CHESTER DUNEGAN FULL OF HOLES.

DEEP DOWN IN HIS HEART, MELVIN LAROUCH DIDNT REALLY WANT TO GET SHOT FULL OF HOLES, NO SIR, NOT ONE BIT.

THE OAKDALE POLICE DIDNT REALLY WANT TO SHOOT MELVIN LAROUCH FULL OF HOLES EITHOR.

THE OAKDALE POLICE WANTED TO SEND MELVIN LAROUCH TO THE COUNTY PENETENTIARY FOR A LONG STRETCH SO THAT THEY WOULD ALL GET RAISES.

IF THEY SHOT MELVIN LAROUCH FULL OF HOLES, THERE MIGHT BE AN INVESTIGATION.

NOBODY WHO GETS INVESTIGATED GETS A RAISE.

MELVIN LAROUCH DID PIECE WORK FOR FAT TED, ONE OF THE FEW “FREE-LANCERS” THAT FAT TED DEALT WITH AT ALL.

MELVIN LAROUCH AND FAT TED ARE COUSINS AND HAVE KNOW EACH OTHER SINCE THEY WERE KIDS.

https://youtu.be/tdZC7QEi2eo

AFTER KATY WAS BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS INSIDE OF FAT TED`S HIDE-OUT, FAT TED SENT LARRY “THE BODYGUARD”” JEFFERIES, SMOKIN` JOE, AND MELVIN LAROUCH (DISQUISED AS OSTRICH FARMERS) TO THE ZETA-RETICULIANS SECRET HIDE-OUT INSIDE OF THE OLD THIMBLE WHAREHOUSE AT THIRD AND OAK.

USING SPECIALY MODIFIED DRIVE-WAY SALTERS, THE THREE HOODLEMS BLASTED EVERY SINGLE ZETA-RETICULIAN RACKETEER TO KINGDOM COME.

IT WAS A SLIME BATH.

THERE WERE EXPLODED ZETA-RETICULIANS EVERYWHERE, AND THE PRESS DUBBED IT “THE NATIONAL ATHLETE`S FOOT DAY MASSACRE”, IT BEING NATIONAL ATHLETE`S FOOT DAY AND ALL.

THIS WAS BY ACCIDENT, AS FAT TED`S CALENDER DIDNT LIST “THE NATIONAL ATHLETE`S FOOT DAY” AT ALL.

IT ONLY LISTED THE QUARTER MOON.

AND ANYWAY, FAT TED HAD AN ALIBI.

READ ON…

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

pt 2

FAT TED

…WAS THE BIGGEST CRIME BOSS IN OAKDALE.

FAT TED OWNED, OR HAD A HAND IN EVEREY RACKET THAT THERE WAS IN OAKDALE, FROM DITCHWEED SALES TO SHOPLIFTING.

FAT TED WET HIS BEAK IN A LOT OF PLACES INCLUDING LEGITIMENT BUISNESSES SUCH AS FAKE RIVER SODA (FAT TED GOT A NICKLE ON EVERY SINGLE CAN SOLD), OR THE LITTLE SILVER DICK FISH CANNERY.

FAT TED OWNED THE FISHING BOAT WHICH GATHERED UP THE LITTLE PEE-WEES FOR THE CANNERY, AND HE HAD A “LOCK” ON THE NIGHT-CRAWLER BUISNESS AROUND THOSE PARTS.

NO NIGHT-CRAWLERS OR PEE-WEES MOVED UNTILL FAT TED GOT PAID.

FAT TED HAD THIS ENOURMOUS CRUSH ON THIS GIRL NAMED LUCIEL IN HIGH SCHOOL.
BUT...

LUCIAL MOVED TO BELLINGHAM, AND CHANGED HER NAME TO LUCIAL-MOONCHILD.

LUCIAL MOON-CHILD BEGAN WRITING POETRY ABOUT UNICORNS AND MILITANT FEMINISM, POETRY WHICH WAS MEANT TO BE SUNG, AND SO LUCIAL-MOONCHILD BECAME THE LEAD SINGER FOR THE GRUNDGE BAND “CUSTER AND THE WIPE-OUTS”.

SHORTLY AFTER THE RELEASE OF THE ONLY C.D. WHICH “CUSTER AND THE WIPE-OUTS” EVER RELEASED (A C.D. WHICH CONTINUES TO SELL LIKE HOTCAKES TO THIS DAY), LUCIAL MOON-CHILD VANISHED MYSTERIOUSLY NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

ALL KINDS OF STORIES MADE THE ROUNDS, BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT LUCIAL MOON-CHILD HAD TOO MUCH MAGIC PIXIE DUST ONE NIGHT AND DIED IN AN ALLEY IN SEATLE. AS SHE CARRIED NO IDENTIFICATION OF ANY SORT, SHE WAS LISTED AS A JANE DOE AND CREAMATED.

FAT TED NEVER FOUND OUT WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO LUCIAL MOONCHILD.

JUST AS WELL.

FAT TED RODE AROUND IN A BIG, BLACK, SHINEY, BULLET-PROOF LIMOSINE DRIVEN BY A CHAUFFER WHO HAD BEEN SPECIALLY TRAINED IN DEFENSIVE DRIVING TACTICS FOR V.I.P.S`.

FAT TED HAD TWO BODY-GUARDS; LARRY “THE BODYGUARD” JEFFERIES, AND SMOKIN` JOE; WHO FOLLOWED HIS ORDERS WITH A LOYALTY RARE IN MODERN TIMES.

UNLESS ONE WERE TO ACCOUNT FOR THE FACT THAT FAT TED WAS A GENEROUS EMPLOYER, AND GLADLY PAID LARRY “THE BODYGUARD” JEFFERIES AND SMOKIN` JOE AN ASS-LOAD OF MONEY TO CARRY OUT HIS NEFARIOUS WILL.

Humphrey Bogart and Edward G. Robinson in Bullets or Ballots (1936)

LARRY “THE BODYGUARD” JEFFERIES WAS A CRAFTY MONEY MANAGER, AND WAS WELL INVESTED WITHA LARGE PORTFOLIO (BELIVING THAT MONEY WAS POWER).

SMOKIN` JOE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC WITH A TASTE FOR VICODON.

SMOKIN` JOE WAS USUALLY OUT OF CIGGERETS.

UNFORTANATLY LARRY “THE BODYGUARD” JEFFERIES DIDNT SMOKE, SO SMOKIN` JOE COULDNT BUM ONE FROM HIM.

LARRY “THE BODYGUARD” JEFFERIES DIED OF LEAD POISANING IN THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, IN REAL TIME VARIATION NUMBER FORTY-TWO.

BUT THAT`S ANOTHER STORY.

IN THIS STORY FAT TED GOT A SHARE OF THE PROFITS ON EVERY DEAL; DIRTY OR CLEAN; THAT WENT DOWN IN OAKDALE.

AND LONG STORY SHORT, FAT TED HAD GOT INVOLVED WITH SOME ZETA-RETICULIAN GANGSTERS, DIRTY DEALS THAT INVOLVED BIG MONEY.

DIRTY MONEY.

AND EACH DAY THE NEW BUISNESS EXPANDED AT A SUPRISING RATE.

THE ZETA-RETICULIANS WERE IN THE MARKET FOR OSTRICH SHIT.

OSTRICH SHIT CAUSES ZETA-RETICULIANS TO GO MAD WITH DELIGHT, AND THERE WAS A GROWING COUNTER-CULTURE ON ZETA-RETICULIA WHICH REVOLVED AROUND THE USE OF MANURE PRODUCTS FROM EARTH.

ANY SHIT WOULD DO, HUMAN SHIT FOR EXAMPLE.

BUT WHILE HUMAN SHIT IS MORE THAN PLENTIFUL, IT`S NITROGEN LEVELS ARE (AT TWO THOUSAND MILLIGRAMS PER OUNCE) FAR TOO LOW, AND TO THE ZETA-RETICULIANS, TASTES LIKE HOME-GROWN.

THE ZETA-RETICULIANS PREFER OSTRICH SHIT, ARE CONOSUERS FOR IT, AND WOULD PAY GOLD TO GET IT.

www.rehabs.com/explore/faces-of-addiction/

IN A MOVE CALCULATED TO GAIN COMPLEATE CONTROL OF THE OSTRICH SHIT BUISNESS, FAT TED HAD LARRY “THE BODYGUARD” JEFFERIES AND SMOKIN` JOE GRAB THE TWO BIG HONCHO`S FROM THE ZETA-RETICULIAN GANG.

FAT TED FORCED ONE OF THE ZETA-RETICULIANS TO WATCH WHILE HE SPRINKLED SALT, SLOWLY, ALL OVER THE OTHER UNTIL THE SLIMEY CRITTER EXPLODED, THEN HE HAD THE SLIME BOXED UP.

FAT TED SENT THE OTHE ZETA-RETICULIAN BACK TO ZETA-RETICULIA WITH THE BOXED UP REMAINS OF HIS PARTNER AND A WARNING, THAT HE; FAT TED WAS IN CHARGE OF THE EARTH SIDE OF THE SHIT SMUGGLING BUISNESS.

THE ZETA-RETICULIAN WHO WAS ALLOWED TO LIVE HAS BEEN IN THERAPY.

FAT TED DONATED MONEY TO ALL OF THE CHURCHES UP IN CHURCH CORNER, AND HE USED TO FOOT THE BILL OR MOST OF IT FOR THE RESCUE MISSION; WHICH WAS WAY DOWN THIRD STREET, PAST THE GRAIN ELEVATOR, JUST BEFORE YOU CROSSED OVER THE RAILROAD TRACKS INTO TOON-TOWN.

THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER STAYED AT THE RESCUE MISSION WAS OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK.

NOBODY EVER REMEMBERED THAT OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK USED TO BE KNOWN AS SYLVESTER LAROUCH THE FORTH, OR THAT ONCE UPON A TIME HE HAD BEEN CHIEF OF POLICE OF OAKDALE.

WHILE RESPONDING TO A CALL, POLICE CHIEF SYLVESTER LAROUCH THE FORTH RAN OVER A LITTLE BITTY YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

CHIEF OF POLICE SYLVESTER LAROUCH THE FORTH WAS DEVESTATED. HE BEGAN DRINKING HEAVILY AND SO NOW WAS JUST OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK.

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AFTER THE BEGINING OF THIS STORY OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK WAS PLACED INTO A REST HOME BY ONE OF HIS SONS, BUTCH.

BUTCH RETURNED HOME FROM THE MARINE CORPS AND TOOK CHARGE OF HIS FATHERS AFFAIRS.

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AFTER GOING INTO THE REST HOME, WHILE IN THE GRIP OF DELIERIUM TREMENS, OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK SUFFERED A STROKE AND WAS CONFINED TO A WHEELCHAIR.

POOR OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK.

FAT TED OWNED THE BIG OAK STRIP JOINT JUST OUTSIDE OF THE CITY LIMITS, AND ALL OF THE “GIRLS” WHO “DANCED” THERE HAD TO RESEMBLE LUCIAL.

EVERY NIGHT FAT TED WOULD PAY ONE OR ANOTHER OF THE “GIRLS” TO COME HOME WITH HIM AND PRETEND TO BE LUCIAL.

MOST OF THE “GIRLS” WERENT THAT GOOD AT ACTING OR THEY WOULD`NT HAVE BEEN “DANCING” FOR THE RUBES IN OAKDALE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THEN CAME KATY.

KATY WAS A GOOD ACTRESS, SO GOOD THAT FAT TED PURCHASED A RING AND WAS PLANNING TO ASK HER TO BE HIS GUN MOLE.

WHAT FAT TED HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING WAS THAT THE ZETA-RETICULIANS HAD PLACED A VERY SMALL BUT VERY POTANT EXPLOSIVE DEVICE INSIDE OF KATY`S HEAD.

THE ZETA-RETICULIANS HAD KIDNAPPED KATY`S DAUGHTER IN ORDER TO OBTAIN THE BEST ACTING PERFORMANCE OUT OF HER.

THREATS ASIDE, THE ZETA-RETICULIANS WOULD NEVER HAVE HARMED A CHILD OF ANY SPECIES, AND ACTUALLY TOOK THE CHILD TO DISNEYLAND.

AND THAT IS WHY KATY WAS BLOWN TO BITS INSIDE OF FAT TED`S HIDE-OUT.

READ ON…

Monday, March 6, 2017

THE NATIONAL ATHLETE`S FOOT DAY MASSACRE PARADE

by delray

THE
NATIONAL
ATHLETE`S
FOOT DAY
MASSACRE
PARADE
AND OTHER STORIES
BY DELRAY

NOTEBOOK ONE

CEREBRAL COPULATION

…IS THE STORY ABOUT HOW EVERYBODY WOUND UP GOING TO VENESUELA.
I KNOW THAT YOU READ ABOUT IT IN THE PAPERS, I MEAN, IT WAS REALLY BIG NEWS AT THE TIME.

WHEN EVERYBODY LEFT FOR VENSUELA, THEY TOOK CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES; ALTHOUGH THEY SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM FOR GIL BABCOCK.
IT WOULD HAVE SAVED ME ALOT OF HASSLE, AS ME AND MY BROTHER WOUND BEING WITNESSES FOR THE BIG INVESTIGATION THAT GIL BABCOCK HELD.

NOBODY GOT A RAISE AFTER THE INVESTIGATION.
NOT GLORIA JENSEN.
NOT CHESTER LAROUCH.
NOT THE HEAD OF THE MANURE ENFORCMENT AGENCY, OH, NO.
GIL BABCOCK RAN FOR COUNTY EXECUTIVE ON THE POLITICAL HAY THAT HE TRIED TO HARVEST ON THAT CAPER, BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY.
GIL BABCOCK WAS THE SHERRIFF OF FAKE RIVER COUNTY.

AND EVEN THOUGH WE DIDNT HAVE ANYTHING REALLY AT ALL TO DO WITH EVERYBODY GOING TO VENESUELA, ME AND MY BROTHER, IKE, WERE HELD AS MATERIAL WITNESSES, AND GRILLED RELENTLESLY BY GIL BABCOCK AND CHESTER LAROUCH.

BUT I DIGRESS.

OAKDALE IS AT THE SOUTH END OF FAKE RIVER LAKE, WHICH RUNS NORTH AND SOUTH DOWN THE CENTER OF FAKE RIVER COUNTY.

OAKDALE IS AT THE SOUTH END OF FAKE RIVER LAKE, WHICH RUNS NORTH AND SOUTH DOWN THE CENTER OF FAKE RIVER COUNTY.
STATE HIGHWAY NUMBER S-O RUNS EAST AND WEST THROUGH THE CENTER OF OAKDALE, AND FOR THE ONE MILE FROM ONE CITY LIMIT TO ANOTHER IS KNOWN AS OAK STREET.
AT THE VERY EAST END OF TOWN IS COUNTY ROAD NUMBER C-1 WHICH RUNS NORTH, UP THE EAST SIDE OF THE LAKE, AS FAR AS THE CHURCH ROAD, WHICH IS ONLY ABOUT HALFWAY UP THE LAKE.
IT IS WILDERNESS PAST THAT.
AT THE VERY WEST EDGE OF TOWN IS COUNTY ROAD NUMBER C-1A, WHICH RUNS NORTH UP THE WEST SIDE OF THE LAKE, ALL THE WAY TO HARRELSON, FIFTEEN MILES UP THE LAKE.
HARRELSON IS THE COUNTY SEAT, AND THE HARRELSON ROAD RUNS EAST FROM HARRELSON, CROSSING THE LAKE ON A SPECTACULAR BRIDGE AND HEADING OFF EAST TOWARD VAN METER.
HARRELSON IS THE COUNTY SEAT, AND THE HARRELSON ROAD RUNS EAST FROM HARRELSON, CROSSING THE LAKE ON A SPECTACULAR BRIDGE AND HEADING OFF EAST TOWARD VAN METER.
THERE USED TO BE A BRIDGE AT THE CHURCH ROAD, BUT IT`S GONE NOW.

THIRD STREET IS THE OTHER STREET IN OAKDALE.
IT RUNS NORTH AND SOUTH, FROM UP BY THE LAKE (WHERE ALL OF THE RICH PEOPLE LIVED), DOWN ACROSS OAK STREET, DOWN PAST ALL OF THE REGULAR PEOPLES` HOUSES, PAST THE GRAIN ELEVATOR AND THE RESCUE MISSION, AND ENDING UP ACROSS THE TRACKS IN TOON-TOWN WHICH IS WHERE ALL OF THE HOBOS LIVED.
MOST OF THE HOBOS WERE BROKE, BUT THAT WAS O.K. AS THE OAKDALE POLICE LEFT THE RESIDENTS OF TOON-TOWN ALONE, MOSTLY.
LET THERE BE PEACE.
THOU SHALT NOT PANHANDLE IN FRONT OF THE SUNNY GROCERY AT THIRD AND OAK.
AMEN.

AT THE NORTH END OF THIRD STREET IS THE HOUSE IN WHICH GLORIA JENSEN LIVED, RIGHT UP BESIDE THE LAKE WITH TWO BIG OAK TREES AT THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY.
FELIX RAY LIVES RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET, AND HAS HIS OWN PRIVATE DOCK AND BOATHOUSE.
FELIX RAY IS A SELF MADE MAN AND HAS DONE EVERYTHING FROM FLYING FIGHTER PLANES IN W.W.II TO OWNING AND OPERATING HIS OWN RAILROAD COMPANY, THE FAKE RIVER ROAD.
FELIX RAY IS A VERY IMPORTANT MAN IN FAKE RIVER COUNTY, BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY.
FELIX RAY IS A VERY IMPORTANT MAN IN FAKE RIVER COUNTY, BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY.

AT THE SOUTH END OF THIRD STREET, PAST THE GRAIN ELEVATOR BEFORE YOU GO OVER THE RAILROAD TRACKS INTO TOON-TOWN, IS THE RESCUE MISSION.
THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER STAYED AT THE RESCUE MISSION WAS OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK.
EVERYBODY ELSE STAYED DOWN IN TOON-TOWN, AND HAD EVERYTHING STEW FOR DINNER.

SOME OF THE HOBOS WORKED IN THE FISH CANNERY WHICH PROCCESSED THE TINY LITTLE STURGEON NATIVE TO FAKE RIVER LAKE.
CHEESEBURGERS AT THE NEW CAFE WERE THE BEST IN FAKE RIVER COUNTY, AND THE WHISKEY SERVED IN COYOTE`S BAR AND GRILL WOULD NEVER GET YOU DRUNK (AS LONG AS YOUR HEART WAS PURE AND YOU BELIVED IN JOHN WAYNE WITH ALL OF YOUR MIGHT).
BOTH COYOTE`S BAR AND GRILL AND THE NEW CAFE WERE LOCATED AT THIRD AND OAK.

OUT AT THE WEST EDGE OF TOWN IS THE SHADY OAKS MOTEL, AND JUST ACROSS COUNTY ROAD C-1A (JUST OUTSIDE OF THE CITY LIMITS) WAS THE BIG OAK STRIP JOINT.

JUST DOWN STATE ROUTE S-0, IS THE OAKDALE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, WHICH HAS THE ONLY FIFTY THOUSAND FOOT RUNWAY IN THE REGION.

BIG CORPORATE JETS AND CARGO PLANES WOULD FLY IN AND OUT ALL DAY LONG, ALL INVOLVED WITH THE SHIPPING OF OAKDALE`S ONLY EXPORT; THE LITTLE SILVER DICK STURGEON (OR THE PEE-WEE AS THEY`RE KNOWN LOCALY).
FAKE RIVER LAKE IS HOME TO THE SMALLEST STURGEON IN THE WORLD, THE LITTLE SILVER DICK, WHICH IS SERVED IN ALL OF THE FINER RESTAURANTS IN NEW YORK AND PARIS.
AS THE PEE-WEE IS ONLY AN INCH LONG, IT TAKES QUITE A FEW TO MAKE A MEAL.

OAKDALE; PEACEFUL YET CORRUPT; SLEEPING IN THE HOT IOWA SUN.
OAKDALE, WHICH HAD EVERY SINGLE THING THAT ALL OF THE BIG CITIES HAD, PLUS THAT CERTAIN REDNECK PERSONALITY TYPICAL OF SUCH TINY PLACES.

WHEN PEOPLE STARTED NOTICING SLIME TRAILS AROUND TOWN, THEY NATURALY ASSUMED THAT THEY HAD BEEN LEFT BY THE FIFTY-TWO YEAR SLUG.
BUT IT WAS POINTED OUT THAT IT HAPPENED TO BE ONLY YEAR THIRTY-SEVEN AND SO IT SIMPLY COULD NOT BE THE FIFTY-TWO YEAR SLUG AT ALL, BUT SOME NEW UNKNOWN SLIME-SLINGER.
AND THE FIFTY-TWO YEAR SLUG DIDNT LEAVE SLIME TRAILS ANYWHERE AS BIG AS THESE WERE.
IT LED TO ALOT OF GOSSIP.

Image result for flying saucer

AND PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTY BEGAN REPORTING THE SIGHTING OF FLYING SAUCERS TO GIL BABCOCK
ONE OLD FARMER FROM UP BY CHURCH CORNER ACTUALLY CLAIMED TO HAVE READ THE ZETA-RECICULIAN REGISTRATION NUMBERS OFF OF THE HULL OF ONE OF THEM.

GIL BABCOCK DIDNT BELIVE IN FLYING SAUCERS.
GIL BABCOCK DIDNT WANT TO BELIVE IN FLYING SAUCERS BECAUSE WHEN HE WAS A SMALL BOY HE HAD BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A TEAM OF MONOTOADIANS, AND AMONG OTHER THINGS (CREEPY THINGS TO A SMALL BOY) WAS GIVEN AN ANAL PROBE.
THIS IS A REPRESSED MEMORY.
THE ZETA RETICULIANS ARE SLIMEY THINGS, ALL COVERED IN MUCCUS.

READ ON…