THE NATIONAL ATHLETE`S FOOT DAY MASSACRE PARADE

by delray

THE
NATIONAL
ATHLETE`S
FOOT DAY
MASSACRE
PARADE
AND OTHER STORIES
BY DELRAY

NOTEBOOK ONE

CEREBRAL COPULATION

…IS THE STORY ABOUT HOW EVERYBODY WOUND UP GOING TO VENESUELA.
I KNOW THAT YOU READ ABOUT IT IN THE PAPERS, I MEAN, IT WAS REALLY BIG NEWS AT THE TIME.

WHEN EVERYBODY LEFT FOR VENSUELA, THEY TOOK CHRISTIAN JEFFERIES; ALTHOUGH THEY SHOULD HAVE LEFT HIM FOR GIL BABCOCK.
IT WOULD HAVE SAVED ME ALOT OF HASSLE, AS ME AND MY BROTHER WOUND BEING WITNESSES FOR THE BIG INVESTIGATION THAT GIL BABCOCK HELD.

NOBODY GOT A RAISE AFTER THE INVESTIGATION.
NOT GLORIA JENSEN.
NOT CHESTER LAROUCH.
NOT THE HEAD OF THE MANURE ENFORCMENT AGENCY, OH, NO.
GIL BABCOCK RAN FOR COUNTY EXECUTIVE ON THE POLITICAL HAY THAT HE TRIED TO HARVEST ON THAT CAPER, BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY.
GIL BABCOCK WAS THE SHERRIFF OF FAKE RIVER COUNTY.

AND EVEN THOUGH WE DIDNT HAVE ANYTHING REALLY AT ALL TO DO WITH EVERYBODY GOING TO VENESUELA, ME AND MY BROTHER, IKE, WERE HELD AS MATERIAL WITNESSES, AND GRILLED RELENTLESLY BY GIL BABCOCK AND CHESTER LAROUCH.

BUT I DIGRESS.

OAKDALE IS AT THE SOUTH END OF FAKE RIVER LAKE, WHICH RUNS NORTH AND SOUTH DOWN THE CENTER OF FAKE RIVER COUNTY.

OAKDALE IS AT THE SOUTH END OF FAKE RIVER LAKE, WHICH RUNS NORTH AND SOUTH DOWN THE CENTER OF FAKE RIVER COUNTY.
STATE HIGHWAY NUMBER S-O RUNS EAST AND WEST THROUGH THE CENTER OF OAKDALE, AND FOR THE ONE MILE FROM ONE CITY LIMIT TO ANOTHER IS KNOWN AS OAK STREET.
AT THE VERY EAST END OF TOWN IS COUNTY ROAD NUMBER C-1 WHICH RUNS NORTH, UP THE EAST SIDE OF THE LAKE, AS FAR AS THE CHURCH ROAD, WHICH IS ONLY ABOUT HALFWAY UP THE LAKE.
IT IS WILDERNESS PAST THAT.
AT THE VERY WEST EDGE OF TOWN IS COUNTY ROAD NUMBER C-1A, WHICH RUNS NORTH UP THE WEST SIDE OF THE LAKE, ALL THE WAY TO HARRELSON, FIFTEEN MILES UP THE LAKE.
HARRELSON IS THE COUNTY SEAT, AND THE HARRELSON ROAD RUNS EAST FROM HARRELSON, CROSSING THE LAKE ON A SPECTACULAR BRIDGE AND HEADING OFF EAST TOWARD VAN METER.
HARRELSON IS THE COUNTY SEAT, AND THE HARRELSON ROAD RUNS EAST FROM HARRELSON, CROSSING THE LAKE ON A SPECTACULAR BRIDGE AND HEADING OFF EAST TOWARD VAN METER.
THERE USED TO BE A BRIDGE AT THE CHURCH ROAD, BUT IT`S GONE NOW.

THIRD STREET IS THE OTHER STREET IN OAKDALE.
IT RUNS NORTH AND SOUTH, FROM UP BY THE LAKE (WHERE ALL OF THE RICH PEOPLE LIVED), DOWN ACROSS OAK STREET, DOWN PAST ALL OF THE REGULAR PEOPLES` HOUSES, PAST THE GRAIN ELEVATOR AND THE RESCUE MISSION, AND ENDING UP ACROSS THE TRACKS IN TOON-TOWN WHICH IS WHERE ALL OF THE HOBOS LIVED.
MOST OF THE HOBOS WERE BROKE, BUT THAT WAS O.K. AS THE OAKDALE POLICE LEFT THE RESIDENTS OF TOON-TOWN ALONE, MOSTLY.
LET THERE BE PEACE.
THOU SHALT NOT PANHANDLE IN FRONT OF THE SUNNY GROCERY AT THIRD AND OAK.
AMEN.

AT THE NORTH END OF THIRD STREET IS THE HOUSE IN WHICH GLORIA JENSEN LIVED, RIGHT UP BESIDE THE LAKE WITH TWO BIG OAK TREES AT THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY.
FELIX RAY LIVES RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET, AND HAS HIS OWN PRIVATE DOCK AND BOATHOUSE.
FELIX RAY IS A SELF MADE MAN AND HAS DONE EVERYTHING FROM FLYING FIGHTER PLANES IN W.W.II TO OWNING AND OPERATING HIS OWN RAILROAD COMPANY, THE FAKE RIVER ROAD.
FELIX RAY IS A VERY IMPORTANT MAN IN FAKE RIVER COUNTY, BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY.
FELIX RAY IS A VERY IMPORTANT MAN IN FAKE RIVER COUNTY, BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY.

AT THE SOUTH END OF THIRD STREET, PAST THE GRAIN ELEVATOR BEFORE YOU GO OVER THE RAILROAD TRACKS INTO TOON-TOWN, IS THE RESCUE MISSION.
THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER STAYED AT THE RESCUE MISSION WAS OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK.
EVERYBODY ELSE STAYED DOWN IN TOON-TOWN, AND HAD EVERYTHING STEW FOR DINNER.

SOME OF THE HOBOS WORKED IN THE FISH CANNERY WHICH PROCCESSED THE TINY LITTLE STURGEON NATIVE TO FAKE RIVER LAKE.
CHEESEBURGERS AT THE NEW CAFE WERE THE BEST IN FAKE RIVER COUNTY, AND THE WHISKEY SERVED IN COYOTE`S BAR AND GRILL WOULD NEVER GET YOU DRUNK (AS LONG AS YOUR HEART WAS PURE AND YOU BELIVED IN JOHN WAYNE WITH ALL OF YOUR MIGHT).
BOTH COYOTE`S BAR AND GRILL AND THE NEW CAFE WERE LOCATED AT THIRD AND OAK.

OUT AT THE WEST EDGE OF TOWN IS THE SHADY OAKS MOTEL, AND JUST ACROSS COUNTY ROAD C-1A (JUST OUTSIDE OF THE CITY LIMITS) WAS THE BIG OAK STRIP JOINT.

JUST DOWN STATE ROUTE S-0, IS THE OAKDALE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, WHICH HAS THE ONLY FIFTY THOUSAND FOOT RUNWAY IN THE REGION.

BIG CORPORATE JETS AND CARGO PLANES WOULD FLY IN AND OUT ALL DAY LONG, ALL INVOLVED WITH THE SHIPPING OF OAKDALE`S ONLY EXPORT; THE LITTLE SILVER DICK STURGEON (OR THE PEE-WEE AS THEY`RE KNOWN LOCALY).
FAKE RIVER LAKE IS HOME TO THE SMALLEST STURGEON IN THE WORLD, THE LITTLE SILVER DICK, WHICH IS SERVED IN ALL OF THE FINER RESTAURANTS IN NEW YORK AND PARIS.
AS THE PEE-WEE IS ONLY AN INCH LONG, IT TAKES QUITE A FEW TO MAKE A MEAL.

OAKDALE; PEACEFUL YET CORRUPT; SLEEPING IN THE HOT IOWA SUN.
OAKDALE, WHICH HAD EVERY SINGLE THING THAT ALL OF THE BIG CITIES HAD, PLUS THAT CERTAIN REDNECK PERSONALITY TYPICAL OF SUCH TINY PLACES.

WHEN PEOPLE STARTED NOTICING SLIME TRAILS AROUND TOWN, THEY NATURALY ASSUMED THAT THEY HAD BEEN LEFT BY THE FIFTY-TWO YEAR SLUG.
BUT IT WAS POINTED OUT THAT IT HAPPENED TO BE ONLY YEAR THIRTY-SEVEN AND SO IT SIMPLY COULD NOT BE THE FIFTY-TWO YEAR SLUG AT ALL, BUT SOME NEW UNKNOWN SLIME-SLINGER.
AND THE FIFTY-TWO YEAR SLUG DIDNT LEAVE SLIME TRAILS ANYWHERE AS BIG AS THESE WERE.
IT LED TO ALOT OF GOSSIP.



AND PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTY BEGAN REPORTING THE SIGHTING OF FLYING SAUCERS TO GIL BABCOCK
ONE OLD FARMER FROM UP BY CHURCH CORNER ACTUALLY CLAIMED TO HAVE READ THE ZETA-RECICULIAN REGISTRATION NUMBERS OFF OF THE HULL OF ONE OF THEM.

GIL BABCOCK DIDNT BELIVE IN FLYING SAUCERS.
GIL BABCOCK DIDNT WANT TO BELIVE IN FLYING SAUCERS BECAUSE WHEN HE WAS A SMALL BOY HE HAD BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A TEAM OF MONOTOADIANS, AND AMONG OTHER THINGS (CREEPY THINGS TO A SMALL BOY) WAS GIVEN AN ANAL PROBE.
THIS IS A REPRESSED MEMORY.
THE ZETA RETICULIANS ARE SLIMEY THINGS, ALL COVERED IN MUCCUS.

READ ON…