pt 2

FAT TED

…WAS THE BIGGEST CRIME BOSS IN OAKDALE.

FAT TED OWNED, OR HAD A HAND IN EVEREY RACKET THAT THERE WAS IN OAKDALE, FROM DITCHWEED SALES TO SHOPLIFTING.

FAT TED WET HIS BEAK IN A LOT OF PLACES INCLUDING LEGITIMENT BUISNESSES SUCH AS FAKE RIVER SODA (FAT TED GOT A NICKLE ON EVERY SINGLE CAN SOLD), OR THE LITTLE SILVER DICK FISH CANNERY.

FAT TED OWNED THE FISHING BOAT WHICH GATHERED UP THE LITTLE PEE-WEES FOR THE CANNERY, AND HE HAD A “LOCK” ON THE NIGHT-CRAWLER BUISNESS AROUND THOSE PARTS.

NO NIGHT-CRAWLERS OR PEE-WEES MOVED UNTILL FAT TED GOT PAID.

FAT TED HAD THIS ENOURMOUS CRUSH ON THIS GIRL NAMED LUCIEL IN HIGH SCHOOL.
BUT...

LUCIAL MOVED TO BELLINGHAM,  AND CHANGED HER NAME TO LUCIAL-MOONCHILD.

LUCIAL MOON-CHILD BEGAN WRITING POETRY ABOUT UNICORNS AND MILITANT FEMINISM, POETRY WHICH WAS MEANT TO BE SUNG, AND SO LUCIAL-MOONCHILD BECAME THE LEAD SINGER FOR THE GRUNDGE BAND “CUSTER AND THE WIPE-OUTS”.

LUCIAL MOON-CHILD BEGAN WRITING POETRY ABOUT UNICORNS AND MILITANT FEMINISM, POETRY WHICH WAS MEANT TO BE SUNG, AND SO LUCIAL-MOONCHILD BECAME THE LEAD SINGER FOR THE GRUNDGE BAND “CUSTER AND THE WIPE-OUTS”.

SHORTLY AFTER THE RELEASE OF THE ONLY C.D. WHICH “CUSTER AND THE WIPE-OUTS” EVER RELEASED (A C.D. WHICH CONTINUES TO SELL LIKE HOTCAKES TO THIS DAY), LUCIAL MOON-CHILD VANISHED MYSTERIOUSLY NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

ALL KINDS OF STORIES MADE THE ROUNDS, BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT LUCIAL MOON-CHILD HAD TOO MUCH MAGIC PIXIE DUST ONE NIGHT AND DIED IN AN ALLEY IN SEATLE. AS SHE CARRIED NO IDENTIFICATION OF ANY SORT, SHE WAS LISTED AS A JANE DOE AND CREAMATED.

FAT TED NEVER FOUND OUT WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO LUCIAL MOONCHILD.

JUST AS WELL.

FAT TED RODE AROUND IN A BIG, BLACK, SHINEY, BULLET-PROOF LIMOSINE DRIVEN BY A CHAUFFER WHO HAD BEEN SPECIALLY TRAINED IN DEFENSIVE DRIVING TACTICS FOR V.I.P.S`.

FAT TED HAD TWO BODY-GUARDS; LARRY “THE BODYGUARD” JEFFERIES, AND SMOKIN` JOE; WHO FOLLOWED HIS ORDERS WITH A LOYALTY RARE IN MODERN TIMES.

UNLESS ONE WERE TO ACCOUNT FOR THE FACT THAT FAT TED WAS A GENEROUS EMPLOYER, AND GLADLY PAID LARRY “THE BODYGUARD” JEFFERIES AND SMOKIN` JOE AN ASS-LOAD OF MONEY TO CARRY OUT HIS NEFARIOUS WILL.

LARRY “THE BODYGUARD” JEFFERIES WAS A CRAFTY MONEY MANAGER, AND WAS WELL INVESTED WITHA LARGE PORTFOLIO (BELIVING THAT MONEY WAS POWER).

SMOKIN` JOE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC WITH A TASTE FOR VICODON.

SMOKIN` JOE WAS USUALLY OUT OF CIGGERETS.

UNFORTANATLY LARRY “THE BODYGUARD” JEFFERIES DIDNT SMOKE, SO SMOKIN` JOE COULDNT BUM ONE FROM HIM.

LARRY “THE BODYGUARD” JEFFERIES DIED OF LEAD POISANING IN THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, IN REAL TIME VARIATION NUMBER FORTY-TWO.

BUT THAT`S ANOTHER STORY.

IN THIS STORY FAT TED GOT A SHARE OF THE PROFITS ON EVERY DEAL; DIRTY OR CLEAN; THAT WENT DOWN IN OAKDALE.

AND LONG STORY SHORT, FAT TED HAD GOT INVOLVED WITH SOME ZETA-RETICULIAN GANGSTERS, DIRTY DEALS THAT INVOLVED BIG MONEY.

AND LONG STORY SHORT, FAT TED HAD GOT INVOLVED WITH SOME ZETA-RETICULIAN GANGSTERS, DIRTY DEALS THAT INVOLVED BIG MONEY.

DIRTY MONEY.

AND EACH DAY THE NEW BUISNESS EXPANDED AT A SUPRISING RATE.

THE ZETA-RETICULIANS WERE IN THE MARKET FOR OSTRICH SHIT.

OSTRICH SHIT CAUSES ZETA-RETICULIANS TO GO MAD WITH DELIGHT, AND THERE WAS A GROWING COUNTER-CULTURE ON ZETA-RETICULIA WHICH REVOLVED AROUND THE USE OF MANURE PRODUCTS FROM EARTH.

ANY SHIT WOULD DO, HUMAN SHIT FOR EXAMPLE.

BUT WHILE HUMAN SHIT IS MORE THAN PLENTIFUL, IT`S NITROGEN LEVELS ARE (AT TWO THOUSAND MILLIGRAMS PER OUNCE) FAR TOO LOW, AND TO THE ZETA-RETICULIANS, TASTES LIKE HOME-GROWN.

THE ZETA-RETICULIANS PREFER OSTRICH SHIT, ARE CONOSUERS FOR IT, AND WOULD PAY GOLD TO GET IT.

THE ZETA-RETICULIANS PREFER OSTRICH SHIT, ARE CONOSUERS FOR IT, AND WOULD PAY GOLD TO GET IT.

 www.rehabs.com/explore/faces-of-addiction/

IN A MOVE CALCULATED TO GAIN COMPLEATE CONTROL OF THE OSTRICH SHIT BUISNESS, FAT TED HAD LARRY “THE BODYGUARD” JEFFERIES AND SMOKIN` JOE GRAB THE TWO BIG HONCHO`S FROM THE ZETA-RETICULIAN GANG.

FAT TED FORCED ONE OF THE ZETA-RETICULIANS TO WATCH WHILE HE SPRINKLED SALT, SLOWLY, ALL OVER THE OTHER UNTIL THE SLIMEY CRITTER EXPLODED, THEN HE HAD THE SLIME BOXED UP.

FAT TED SENT THE OTHE ZETA-RETICULIAN BACK TO ZETA-RETICULIA WITH THE BOXED UP REMAINS OF HIS PARTNER AND A WARNING, THAT HE; FAT TED WAS IN CHARGE OF THE EARTH SIDE OF THE SHIT SMUGGLING BUISNESS.

THE ZETA-RETICULIAN WHO WAS ALLOWED TO LIVE HAS BEEN IN THERAPY.

FAT  TED DONATED MONEY TO ALL OF THE CHURCHES UP IN CHURCH CORNER, AND HE USED TO FOOT THE BILL OR MOST OF IT FOR THE RESCUE MISSION; WHICH WAS WAY DOWN THIRD STREET, PAST THE GRAIN ELEVATOR, JUST BEFORE YOU CROSSED OVER THE RAILROAD TRACKS INTO TOON-TOWN.

THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER STAYED AT THE RESCUE MISSION WAS OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK.

NOBODY EVER REMEMBERED THAT OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK USED TO BE KNOWN AS SYLVESTER LAROUCH THE FORTH, OR THAT ONCE  UPON A TIME HE HAD BEEN CHIEF OF POLICE OF OAKDALE.

NOBODY EVER REMEMBERED THAT OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK USED TO BE KNOWN AS SYLVESTER LAROUCH THE FORTH, OR THAT ONCE  UPON A TIME HE HAD BEEN CHIEF OF POLICE OF OAKDALE.

WHILE RESPONDING TO A CALL, POLICE CHIEF SYLVESTER LAROUCH THE FORTH RAN OVER A LITTLE BITTY YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

CHIEF OF POLICE SYLVESTER LAROUCH THE FORTH WAS DEVESTATED. HE BEGAN DRINKING HEAVILY AND SO NOW WAS JUST OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK.

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AFTER THE BEGINING OF THIS STORY OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK WAS PLACED INTO A REST HOME BY ONE OF HIS SONS, BUTCH.

BUTCH RETURNED HOME FROM THE MARINE CORPS AND TOOK CHARGE OF HIS FATHERS AFFAIRS.

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AFTER GOING INTO THE REST HOME, WHILE IN THE GRIP OF DELIERIUM TREMENS, OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK SUFFERED A STROKE AND WAS CONFINED TO A WHEELCHAIR.

POOR OLD SMOKEY THE DRUNK.

FAT TED OWNED THE BIG OAK STRIP JOINT JUST OUTSIDE OF THE CITY LIMITS, AND ALL OF THE “GIRLS” WHO “DANCED” THERE HAD TO RESEMBLE LUCIAL.

EVERY NIGHT FAT TED WOULD PAY ONE OR ANOTHER OF THE “GIRLS” TO COME HOME WITH HIM AND PRETEND TO BE LUCIAL.

MOST OF THE “GIRLS” WERENT THAT GOOD AT ACTING OR THEY WOULD`NT HAVE BEEN “DANCING” FOR THE RUBES IN OAKDALE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THEN CAME KATY.

KATY WAS A GOOD ACTRESS, SO GOOD THAT FAT TED PURCHASED A RING AND WAS PLANNING TO ASK HER TO BE HIS GUN MOLE.

KATY WAS A GOOD ACTRESS, SO GOOD THAT FAT TED PURCHASED A RING AND WAS PLANNING TO ASK HER TO BE HIS GUN MOLE.

WHAT FAT TED HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING WAS THAT THE ZETA-RETICULIANS HAD PLACED A VERY SMALL BUT VERY POTANT EXPLOSIVE DEVICE INSIDE OF KATY`S HEAD.

THE ZETA-RETICULIANS HAD KIDNAPPED KATY`S DAUGHTER IN ORDER TO OBTAIN THE BEST ACTING PERFORMANCE OUT OF HER.

THREATS ASIDE, THE ZETA-RETICULIANS WOULD NEVER HAVE HARMED A CHILD OF ANY SPECIES, AND ACTUALLY TOOK THE CHILD TO DISNEYLAND.

AND THAT IS WHY KATY WAS BLOWN TO BITS INSIDE OF FAT TED`S HIDE-OUT.

READ ON…